Small things

In the majority of articles about dealing with the death of a dog focus on the small things like not interacting with people on walks, not having the morning routine, etc.  Also, there are the articles about missing the warmth of their body or their slobbery kisses.  My dog died recently and I’ve been reeling for a while.  Yes, I do miss all the things about him that the other articles talk about, but I miss the even smaller things.  When my brain tricks me into thinking I heard little paw-steps on the floor I dart my eyes and he’s not there.  When my A/C blows my blinds and it makes the rattle noise he used to make when going to the back door to let me know he needed to go to the bathroom I hurt.  Sometimes he would run crazily around the house looking for me and not realize that I was in the original room he was in; I was just being really quiet and readings.

He had the ability to make everyone happy.  When my parents passed away, when I had high stress, when I was depressed, he would lick up the tears, try to take the snot from my nose and tell me in his own way that it’s all going to be okay.  I miss all of that.  I feel like there’s a bigger hole now than any event I’ve ever had.

Why does everything have to have a balance?  Every time there’s something great there has to be something to balance it.  I understand that to truly appreciate the good you need the bad for perspective.  Fine, I get the philosophy.  But why does the bad have to be AS bad as the good was good.  Why can’t we ride highs with only some turbulence or just a slight downturn.  I fucking hate this.

Work is a distraction, but I’m certain my students know something is off.  They seem like they’re “kid-gloving” me.  I just really don’t know what to do.  And with some grant deadlines coming up I don’t think I have a choice….

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